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Most users ever online was 803 on Sun May 22, 2011 5:19 am
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» The First Sundering, Imperfectus Crystallum, Discord & More
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» A last thank you!
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» Goddamn it
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» To all of you people.
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» Where to find me
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» So uhh,watcha think?
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» Well, last "thread" from me.
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» Some Venting
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» I swear to God.
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» Fallout 4 Wish list
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Posts : 920
Join date : 2011-10-29

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PostSubject: ...   ... EmptyTue Jun 19, 2012 12:56 am

I’m not making this post for something to gain sympathy from. I’m not making it to gain any attention. I’m not making this an emotional post. I’m not making it as a “goodbye” post or any other shit. You could say it’s a very long and pointless post. You could say it’s another loser ranting about how much he hates his life. Or you could just ignore it. See if I give a fuck what you think.

I’m letting something out which I should have unhooked ages ago.

Fuck. Everything.
Fuck. Everyone.
Fuck. Life.
Fuck. Emotion.
Fuck. Caring.
Fuck. Living.

I’ve completely lost the will to live, care, share emotions and enjoy anything and everything. So much shit goes on that every time I get pulled into falling in love with someone or yanked into caring for an individual, I get the fucking metal boot for it. A spiked metal boot. With white hot lead. Right in the face. Why? I don’t fucking know why. But then I ask myself this – Who the fuck would trust me? Maybe, MAYBE, someone on here would be able to say “yeah, I trust you”. No. No you wouldn’t. You only know me on here. Real life is a different thing. People act differently. People care in real life. I don’t know a single fucking lowlife who, really and honestly, deep down, cares on here or anywhere on the internet. If you come see me, be around me for a couple of months, still look me in the eye and can still talk to me WITHOUT feeling any kind of fear or negativity about me, tell me you can trust me. Even then, it wouldn’t convince me you did, no matter what you did. No matter how much fucking detail you go into saying that I’m a good person or whatever the fuck. It’ll just be like giving a present to a dead corpse. Maybe you’ll like giving it but it won’t do anything at all.

I’ve got half the mind of an upper-upper class individual and half the mind of a lower-lower class individual. The upper half looks down on everyone and everything, thinking that IT is the only good individual in the world and that it’s seen everything. Yeah, I do think this. But then the lower half kicks in. It sees things that other people would turn their head away from or try to forget. It keeps them in mind, never forgetting them. They both help to piece things together… some of which I know is way too much for a human being to need to think about. Bipolar disorder? I have no idea. I don’t care about illnesses any more. If I get infected and it’s hazardous to my health, so fucking what. I’m not gonna do anything to stop it.

I’ve stopped trying to love, too. Why? It never lasts. I’ve learnt that it’s just a blade lingering above your organs. If you lose someone you love, the blade just thrusts itself deeply in. For some people it goes in so deep that there’s no healing and stopping the wound from bleeding, no matter how much you tend to it. I’m one of those people. I always used to try listening to songs that would make me feel better or at least ones I could relate to, but they don’t do anything anymore. I try not to fall in love, either. Some of the beautiful things in life are best left alone. Nobody would want me, either, so why try and trick myself into getting into a relationship? Pffffft. Fucking pathetic.

There’s another thing. Psychopaths. What everyone thinks are “Monsters”. “Inhumane”. That “they deserve to die”. The first two things are true. The third, that’s very rich to hear people say. They help shape them. They don’t bother offering help, they just scowl and look away or make fun of them. I don’t see them as “freaks”, “disease” or anything worse than how I see everyone, including myself, today. They’re victims. Victims of the foulest happenings that occur in the world. Millions of people have minds that are, in some way, distorted. Some people’s minds are clean, yet they can still deal with the very bad things in life or choose not to have to go near them, or are maybe even so lucky that they don’t need to worry about it at all. Yet nobody cares about these broken people that are just thrown into the world and looked down upon because people’s carelessness has turned them for the worse. I rarely felt sorrow for people. But I used to for these psychos. It’s pointless to care now though, they’re far too broken to be fixed. I can’t say I am one of these people even if my mind is fucked up as shit, I probably will never go through the kinds of things some of these beings will.

There are so many things I could rant about. So many people who I could force a blunt, spiked object into, yank it back out and watch the blood gorge out as it repeats, over and over again until they’re an unrecognisable mess on the floor. Not a fine mist. An ugly mess. So that whoever stumbles across it knows that it’s been done, and that billions of people have helped to create people that would do that… plus it’s what we look like on the inside. I get fucking pissed off at so much shit that my hatred for life and all single living pigshit human beings is FUCKING UNFATHOMABLE.

“Hey Dan.” “Hey.” How are you?” “Fine.” … Fine.
YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING ANNOYING IT IS TO HAVE TO KEEP SAYING THAT OR “I’M GOOD”? I haven’t TRULY felt FINE or GOOD for so long. But if I were to say what I truly felt people either wouldn’t fucking care or people would make a huge damn fuss out of it and go “OH WHAT’S WRONG I’M SO SORRY I’LL TRY TO HELP” or “CHEER UP YOU CUNT”. These just do nothing. Absolutely. Nothing. I’m fucking done with lying to people. It doesn’t achieve anything. I used to be fine with having to repeatedly lie to get away from attention, but it’s getting so fucking old and annoying.

As much as 2012 is a huge fucking pile of made up shit that’ll never happen, I really hope one day that all humans being die. Why? We all deserve to. I’m gonna sound like such a queer environmentalist here but fuck off do I care. We wipe things out. We’ve taken what was once the beautiful side of life and threw it back up in front of us. Everyone hurts someone, intentionally or unintentionally. We’re all falling deeper and deeper into shit and there’s a LOT of people that still believe we can pull ourselves out of it. Some people think we’re currently pulling ourselves out of it.

So why haven’t I just popped some lead through my brain and created a bloody mess across the walls and the floors for people to see? My grandma, that’s what. I can’t just leave her. I’ve seen all sorts of things erode over time for the worse. Everyone has done. But not her. I cannot tell you any difference between her now and her when I was only 2 years old… that’s 15 years. 15 years, and she’s still been a heart-warming caregiver. 15 years and she still is energetic and joyful. It just saddened me to know that she’ll be gone forever if I did choose to continue my life. Which I’m not doing. That doesn’t mean I’m going to be killing myself in the near future (unless something very bad happens to her), no, you’re still gonna have to put up with me. But when she dies, that’s it. I won’t have anything worth living for.

I’m also gonna say this. You’re a fucking human being. You’re not some hero who does good, even if people say you do. I can’t say you’re a villain, but you’ve definitely done something bad. That’s a guarantee. You know it. It might not even have been a big deal, but guess what? I bet you have no fucking idea what kind of damage that has done, if any, to things.

So what’s this then? Why am I showing, VERY clearly, a lot of emotion in this? Even when I said it’s not an emotional post.

It’s the last tiny little part of the old me. Literally. That’s it. All my hate, love, care and everything else just went with this. No more hate. No more love. They do wonders for other people, apparently. They do fuck all for me.

This doesn’t mean that I’m gonna go. No, I’m staying. Like it or not. I don’t care if you hate me. I don’t care if I’m your inspiration or whatever the fuck you view me as, the only thing you’ll make me do is read over it and wonder what the fucking hell makes you think that. If it is something good about me, that is. Like I said, none of you know me in real life. I might be some huge liar who’s already killed his parents. I could be some guy who’s got into this fag’s account and typed this, when he could already have shot his brains out and across the floors. I’ll still be here to talk and to listen. (Thinking about it now, I listen more than talk but whatever).

I've been really holding back from making this, but I'm fucking tired of hiding in the shadows and making bullshit up that I'm okay.

Delete this if you want. Or ignore it. Or laugh at it. Or send it to other people. Or put it up on twitter, tumblr, whatever the fuck you want to do. See if I care. I really could not give a fuck if this ends up on some site for pathetic people to laugh at. Everyone is. We all are.
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